


MSRY

by missanthr0pocene



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Jealousy, Mental Health Issues, Other, Random & Short, SMALL mention, Writer's Block, ashley is my actual wife, but ive looked over this 254645353 times and im getting a headache :( its 3 am, im sorry, josh is just jealous cuz yeah, pensive emoji, there might be typos, this isnt ashley hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missanthr0pocene/pseuds/missanthr0pocene
Summary: He wouldn't say he was jealous. He just hated seeing their love.
Relationships: Ashley Brown/Chris Hartley, One-sided Chris Hartley/Josh Washington
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	MSRY

**Author's Note:**

> marge simpson bong rip

**•how can you not know misery?•** ************

* * *

He hated seeing them hold hands. Hated seeing them love each other. The thought of seeing Chris with someone else was a fear Josh held in high school. He did everything he could to try and get with Chris. The opportunities presented themselves but Josh missed them, by a hair's breadth. When Chris had finally gotten with Ashley, a crush he'd been harboring for a few years, Josh was defeated.

He never felt hatred for Ashley, not until now at least. They didn't relate on a lot of things, but there was no butting of heads, they got along in group settings, he's had one-on-one conversations with her, and enjoyed them. But now, it seems, just her breathing made Josh hate her. A lot of factors came into play here.

In a way, Josh hated Chris too. For not seeing the want, the longing in Josh's actions, his eyes, his words. He has tried to get Chris to see him. But it went overlooked, forgotten and Josh was numb. Him watching on, it made Josh cry alone in his apartment.

Why does he care so much? He should move on. It's Chris's life, it's Ashley's life. They found their mutual love, and Chris and Josh didn't have that -- why did they have to do it right in front of him? Josh didn't need to see Chris love Ashley, he didn't need to see him touch her.

The loneliness was crushing. Along with the destroying feelings of no motivation, sadness, and the seemingly endless numbness, Josh was drowning.

The neck of the beer bottle was tucked between his index and middle fingers. Sitting in the dark brown folding chair, in a New York apartment, feeling miserable as he drank his feelings away. The stars dotted the dark blue sky, tall buildings seem so close, the interior lights making them glow. Josh stared on, face slack, mouth in a weak line, eyes closing, opening, hanging onto consciousness. He wanted to be loved.

Whenever he and Chris had their stupid 'bro' talks, the way Chris looked at him with not the eyes of a lover, but the eyes of a friend. It tore at Josh's heart, piece by piece. Not much was left of it anyway, it was slowly withering away, and these would be the final blows. The pain of unrequited love, the lack of mutual attraction. The weight of it carried onto his physical appearance; the bags under his eyes represented the sleepless nights where Josh thought about nothing but "why not me?". 

Again, he asked himself, why does he care? The other side of him will battle it, saying it was because he made endless efforts to make Chris see him. To notice him, and possibly reciprocate. But now that Chris felt for Ashley, Josh could throw any chances of Chris being with him down the drain.

He wanted to be happy for them, to be happy for Ashley because this was her first relationship with someone she felt dear for, whom she actually loved. Josh actually loved Chris, more than a 'bro' level. It succeeded that, it was at the forefront of Josh's mind. 

When he watched them from afar, at the bookstore of their college campus, Josh wanted them to take their stupid, lovey-dovey, young couple nonsense to another area, take it out of sight. He didn't need to see it. Why was it everywhere he went? Life was against him. 

"I just don't really like her. I can't explain why." Josh had replied, to Sam, who had asked him what was with all of the dirty looks he gave towards Chris and Ashley. He has never hated Ashley, never liked her, didn't love her, it was more of a neutral feeling, before all of this. He was 'whatever' about it, but when she and Chris officially got together, Josh felt his very core be cascaded with a surprising and sudden hatred for her.

He told Sam it was just a dislike. Not hate. He was lying.

Sam had let out a 'huh', confused, almost like she misheard.

"I just don't really like her. In any kind of way." Josh said.

He wouldn't say he was jealous. He just hated seeing their love. It made him feel alone. Josh stared deep into the sky, emotions buried deep as the numbness rose. 

"Anything new, Joshua?" Dr. Hill's questions are legion, it feels like. The session had just started and Josh was already overwhelmed. "How are you feeling?" the doctor had asked. Josh's gaze was stuck on the paintings behind him, depicting hairless, spiny creatures with a lust for blood. 

"I don't like seeing them."

"Seeing who?" 

Josh sighed. "Chris and Ashley."

"Why? Does it unsettle you?" Dr. Hill questioned. Josh tucked his hands further under his upper arms, he tried not to let his frown become too deep. 

"It makes me feel lonely." Josh said, deciding to be honest.

He would also say it made him feel unloved. The amount of misery he felt, seeing Chris love another, was immeasurable. When Josh would look at him with intimate, romantic love, and Chris wouldn't see that, he'd just see a broken boy, who hid behind a doll-like smile. Plastic, fabricated, false, it wasn't real. Josh was hurting. But he refused to let anyone see him as a puny, weak person. Maybe it meant too much.

Chris loved him like a friend. The level of his empathy made up for the lack of intimate, romantic love. Josh felt Eros love, Chris felt Philia love. Both different, one harder to deal with than the other, especially when it's one sided, unrequited. 

"You okay, man?" Chris would ask him. It became routine at this point.

Josh nodded slowly, yet feeling like he had no actual space to move his head. He felt squished. His heart constricted whenever Chris touched him, looked at him, talked to him. Then his heart will explode, knowing that it won't lead to anything. It'll never happen. Chris was too happy with Ashley. Happiness.

Happiness. Happiness. Something Josh hasn't felt in a long time. Something he's unable to give another person, not even himself. Maybe it was supposed to be like this.

And Josh is supposed to look on, he's supposed to be feeling like this. It was the way things worked. And knowing that, he can only cry.


End file.
